The Osbournes

Airdate 4-2-02

As a good friend of mine stated last night: "Watching Ozzy work out f**king rules." In an effort to get in shape for his upcoming Ozzfest, Ozzy dons the "totally eighties" headband and wristbands to pump some iron with his personal trainer. I will admit that there is something delightfully entertaining about watching the dilapidated Oz swing the 10 and 15 pounders around.

This week we learn a little more about Ozzy's son Jack. Jack declines to go on the tour with Ozzy in order to do some work on his own record label. I don't know what is really involved with starting one's own record label but he didn't seem to be doing much. Maybe it was MTV's slick editing, or maybe it was that Jack just dresses in leather coats and shakes the hands of crappy bands for a living. Either way, he seems to be riding the coattails of the great carnivore with ease.

Winning the "disturbing visual" award this week is the video shoot. For whatever sick, terribly funny reason, Ozzy's new video features a spoof of Moulin Rouge. Therefore, a lovely montage of Ozzy slipping into corsets, wigs, fake boobs, and garters gets to grace our retinas. I really don't know how to describe how he looks. I mean, he looks, well…good as a woman. But I think that is mainly because he is so slathered in makeup that he just looks better in general. His skin doesn't seem to hang off his skull as much. Kudos to the make-up gals for the transformation. Ozzy doesn't seem terribly uncomfortable about being dressed that way. I mean, he complains, but as fans of the show will tell you, he complains about EVERYTHING. He seemed to be actually having fun, if only for a little while.

Rehearsal for the tour rolls around, and we get a behind-the-scenes look at Oz and the band getting things ready for the road. The tour managers have chosen a strange Christmas theme, complete with a flying sleigh that shoots fire and sparks all over the place. And Christmas décor isn't complete without some midgets dressed as elves. To top it all off, the stage features a statue of Santa Claus being crucified. So families, please take your kids to see Ozzfest; it will make the discussion of Santa Claus and his relationship to Christmas so much easier on you.

As they test all the pyrotechnics, Ozzy's eyes widen in delight…until they unveil the bubble machine. Although dressing in drag seemed almost acceptable, bubbles at his concert are a definite no-no. He gets seriously bent out of shape stating: "I'm f**king Ozzy Osbournse, the prince of f**ing darkness. Evil, evil evil. When do the male models come out to stroke me?" (Please add "um" and "uh" about every 4 consonants for proper effect.)

One of the most interesting things about this week's showing is the physical duality that Ozzy seems to possess. He seems so elderly when he sits on the kitchen couch with his head slung forward. The workout scenes, although entertaining, do not make you too confident that he can make it up the stairs by himself, let alone perform a rigorous metal tour. But as they show you shots of the actual concert, you see that he really livens up. He seems mobile, even, dare I say, agile. And what's this? He speaks clearly into the microphone? He sure does. He still sprinkles his crowd banter with the F-word, just as if he were at home with his family. So Ozzy is obviously putting on an act, but is it the incoherent father or the bouncy metal front man that is the real thing?

Next Tuesday at 10:30 there will be more. Get drunk and watch with me. It will help. I promise.


Andrew Preston


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