The Osbournes

Airdate 3-26-02
"Won't you be my neighbor?"

Wouldn't it be cool to be Ozzy's neighbor? To live next to the legendary Black Sabbath lead singer…wow, what a dream come true.

The episode opens up with a discussion of the most popular of family discussions: the gynecologist. Kelly has had an appointment made for her that she doesn't necessarily want to keep. She states, "They put their finger in your butthole now, and I don't want that."

(Now, I am certainly not a woman, and I have never been to the gynecologist, but I don't think they do that. But if some woman is reading this and wants to correct me, please do. I would love to get an email about how a doctor has put his/her finger in your butt.)

Ozzy erupts into a fit of vagina-talk that seems to make everyone uncomfortable. It even made me feel a little dirty. I took a shower afterward. I really did, but it was only because I had to go to work.

The majority of the episode is dedicated to Ozzy's neighbors. While one set of female, scientifically-enhanced neighbors befriends Sharon, a much younger group causes trouble for the entire family.

At 2 AM, the Osbournes are angered by the neighbor's blaring "euro-trance-sex-dance" music that is flying across both oversized properties. Sharon goes to the fence, exchanges some not-so-nice sentences with the guys on the other side, and all is well…so it seems.

The following night, the neighbors retaliate by holding an acoustic sing-a-long in the backyard. Although less intrusive than the dance music, the mellow tones of a group of martini-buzzed yahoos attempting to harmonize forces the Osbournes to resort to 8th grade violence. The first thing to fly over the fence is a potted plant. The next object to go airborne is a large ham. Finally, the Oz-man himself plays the trump card by tossing a piece of firewood over the fence and directly through the neighbor's window. Now, what was really funny about this moment was that he got tangled up in some rope thing that was holding up a small tree. So, in addition to smashing a window, as he stumbles his way back through the bushes he knocks down some freshly planted trees. Ozzy Osbourne loves botany.

The cops are called, and things settle down.

Amazing thing of the week: Ozzy owns many garbage cans. His kitchen has two pull out drawers that each contain two big kitchen-size garbage cans. MTV, in the lame-ass style that they created, put together a nice montage of Ozzy changing the bags on the garbage cans. With the addition of silly, carnival style music and shots of Ozzy making confused faces, you find yourself giggling with delight that the man can even navigate through the complex maze of islands and stools that is his kitchen.

Note from last week: The Osbourne family was on Howard Stern where they were discussing the show itself. Highlights are:

  • The Osbournes did not get paid very much, which is pretty standard for MTV. They did not disclose a figure, but it is probably much lower than you think.
  • MTV pitched the show to the Oz family as a 2-week experiment. The actual taping took over 6 months.
  • There will NOT be another season.

I will not say that I am smitten with The Osbournes, but yet I will tune in next Tuesday at 10:30 on MTV.


Andrew Preston


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