In total rock 'n roll style, I missed the
first two episodes of The Osbournes. So I now dive into the new MTV show
in the third episode. Normally, I would feel like I missed out on important
exposition and character development, but with The Osbournes, who the hell
really cares about all that?
For those of you too cheap to spring for basic cable, too fancy to watch
sophomoric programming on a "Music Television" station, or too old to
recognize the name Ja Rule, "The Osbournes" is the most recent release
of reality television brought to you by MTV, the creators of "The Real
World." It offers a glimpse into the life of Ozzy Osbourne, famed old-school
rocker, and his lovely family.
The first...um, third episode unfolds with Ozzy getting dressed to hit
the red carpet at an autograph signing that night. Let me tell you, there
is nothing more fun than seeing a tattooed, pudgy, almost geriatric metal-legend
in his boxer-briefs. His wife has picked out a really cool long shiny
leather coat for him to wear, but he declines mumbling something about
it looking too " F**ing Ricky Martin." Bottom line, Oz: that was a nice
coat. If you don't want it, I'll wear it.
He reluctantly climbs into a huge stretch limo to go to the event and
enlightens us with: "I f***ing hate these stretch limos. F**ing pimpmobiles.
F***. I don't f***ing like them."His wife calms him down by saying, "We
didn 't buy it, it's just a rental."
The autograph signing shows us a nice montage of crazy Ozzy and his
crazy fans. Signing posters, signing albums, and signing boobs. Just like
The big event in the episode is the daughter's birthday party. (I know
I am supposed to know the freakin' names of the people in his family.
I also know they showed them during the opening credits. I just didn't
pay attention. This is rock 'n roll man, back off.) ANYWAY, his pink-haired
daughter is having a birthday party. The house gets decorated in a goth-festive
manner, which means they just dim the lights and put out the fake cauldron.
As people enter, a freaky tuxedo-wearing gentleman invites them to enter
with a witty warning about the things that may happen to them in the house.
Oh, and a contortionist. A leopard body-suit wearing contortionist. He
is in the background of most shots putting his feet behind all other parts
of his anatomy. I know what you are saying. â"YAWN, this is so Halloween
1999. Be creative, guys."
At the party, Ozzy is left on the couch to comment on the party music.
The stereo plays some basic house beat that can be found in any overpriced
dance club. I laughed out loud when he finally said "This sh*t will make
you want to blow your f***ing brains out." Mind you, it took him about
35 seconds of stuttering to say this.
And that really is the most enjoyable part of this show, watching an
undead Ozzy communicate with his loved ones. For the most part, I have
no idea what he is saying. It's kind of like watching Star Wars. Chewbacca
growls and howls, and Han somehow knows exactly what he is saying. The
only words I could understand were the ones that were bleeped out.
But the real stars are the dogs. Everywhere the Osbournes go, some tiny
fuzzball goes with them. A lesser writer might say: "Who would leave cute,
tiny dogs within arms reach of a freak with a history of biting the heads
off of bats?" I wouldn't say that though. Even Ozzy needs the cuddle love
of his Shnookums.
Let's face it. You don'twatch this show. You will never watch this
show. I mean, I love Ozzy and I don't necessarily want to watch this
show. It is lame by design. And it delivers! But honestly, that is its
charm. So tune in next Tuesday at 10:30.