Fantasy Booking: Fear Factor

Editor's Note: Tonight, May 6, 2002, NBC brings back past champions for an ultimate Fear Factor. But we say they're wussies, and can prove it with our take on what the show should actually be. We first ran this article last August.

NBC's Fear Factor is a mindless show. I mean that in the nicest possible way. You don't need to know anything about it to understand what's happening in any given episode. It doesn't matter who the contestants are or why they decided to play. It's complete mindless, no brain required television, only there to make you go "I can't believe people are doing this for money."

For those of you that have never seen the show, each week host Joe Rogan (Joe from News Radio) takes a handful of willing contestants through three challenges. Each challenge involves some basic phobia (heights, bugs, darkness, children, etc…). The contestants attempt to complete each challenge and the winner at the end of the show gets 50,000 dollars.

There is only one problem with Fear Factor: the challenges almost never involve fear. Most of the challenges are designed as an athletic competition (crossing a rope that is tied between two buildings in a short amount of time) or are really just disgusting (eating live beetles). I (and the rest of the viewing public) hunger for more that just squeamishness. We want to see people wetting themselves with fear. Not just "boogeyman" fear either. Real, hardcore, mind scaring, stuff that keeps you awake at night FEAR!

With that in mind, Fanboy Planet's Fantasy Booking brings you:

Fear Factor: The Season Finale

Since this is the season finale and these challenges are more fear inducing than previous shows, the prize money will have to be upped to one million dollars. It's a small price to pay for this ratings bonanza. For the purposes of this season finale, all the previous Fear Factor winners return for a chance to compete for the one million dollars. So welcome back Joe Rogan and the 13 previous Fear Factor contestants. (applause)

"My ear! He cut off my damn ear!"

Challenge #1 - Van Gogh TV

Joe greets the contestants on the steps of the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. He explains a little about the history of art and focuses on the background of Vincent Van Gogh. Van Gogh was known not only as a brilliant painter, but also for the act of cutting off his own ear. For the first challenge, each contestant has 24 hours to return to the steps of the museum with a human ear. No questions will be asked about how the ear was acquired. Fear Factor will not be held responsible if the contestants break the law to acquire the ear.

Difficulty: 4 (out of 5)
Tell a friend that you'll spilt the money with them if you can just "borrow" their ear.

Danger: 5
If your friend says no, then you either have to attack someone on the street or cut off your own ear. That's dangerous, man.

Fear Factor: 5
The police are going to know whom to look for when you show up on NBC holding a human ear and it isn't your own.

Results: We lose 5 out of the 13 contestants, plus one guy shows up with an ace bandage around his head. Everyone else has shifty eyes.

"A shot at one million dollars and sex with me in exchage for crabs..."
Challenge #2 - Sexual Roulette

On day two we find our host and contestants outside of the Holiday Inn in Brentwood. With Joe are three beautiful women and three hot guys. They are all exceptionally good looking. The challenge is that each contestant must choose either a man or a woman, take them in to the Holiday Inn, where rooms have been provided, and have sex with them. The catch is that none of the contestants will be allowed to use protection (condom, divorce lawyer, etc…) and that two of the models (one man and one woman) have a sexually transmitted disease. The disease is not fatal, but no other information is given.

Difficulty: 5
What if you're so worried about getting a sexually transmitted disease that you can't get it up?

Danger: 5
Is it worth a chance at one million dollars and sex with a babe for a 33% chance of a sexually transmitted disease? That, my friend, is "Must See TV."

Fear Factor: 5 Sure, it could just be crabs, but it could also be herpes.

Results: Amazingly all the contestants make it through the challenge except two. One man refuses because he is married and one woman is eliminated because no one explained to her that for the purpose of the game, oral sex is not actually considered sex.

"I cut off a guy's ear, screwed a supermodel and now I'm in jail. I wonder what my wife is doing right now?"
Challenge #3 - Hard Time

Finally, Joe and our remaining contestants gather at the California State Prison of Los Angeles. Since there can be only one winner, the contest ending must be decisive. To that end, all of the contestants will be locked up as prisoners in the jail. They will go through normal processing (strip search, delousing, etc…) and be roomed with an actual prison inmate. The rules are simple: the contestants remain prisoners until they quit. Last contestant left wins.

Difficulty: 4
If you don't mind being someone's bitch, then it really isn't that difficult.

Danger: 5
I don't think your new cell mate cares how much money you are going to win, tossed salad is on the menu for dinner.

Fear Factor: 5
Before the contestants go in, Joe tells them to hook up with a gang, or they're dead meat. Remember, they signed a waiver and NBC cannot be held responsible if they get killed with a shiv in the shower.

Results: Well, someone wins…and it's you, the home audience! With this kind of show, Survivor can kiss the "Reality TV" throne goodbye.

Until next time…

Michael Goodson





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